The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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