I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
