i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
