you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
