It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
