i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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