thus making me awesome and them whores
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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