It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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