Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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