Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it