oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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