I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
