I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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