Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
