i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same