Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!