There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
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Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
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He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...