so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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