Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
