I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
