Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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