You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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