I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
