The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
