evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
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I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
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I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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