what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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