What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
