I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
