He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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