U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
