yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
