I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
