Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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