I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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