So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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