remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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