His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
