sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
