I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I cut my penus on the lid.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
