I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
