My brain says no but my pants say off.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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