So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
