he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm both gender and math confused
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
