Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize