So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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