I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
two words...techno handjob
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I would fuck him just for his dog
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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