The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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