Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
