I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
