i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
