Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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