When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
