i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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