ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
