If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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