I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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